but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
