Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
