I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is it penis luge time yet?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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