Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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