are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
