i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize