Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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