Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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