Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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