He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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