you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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