happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
