I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
