Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
someone owes me an orgasm
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Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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