I hate all girls vehemently.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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