we made out on top of his cat.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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