So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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