well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
