last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can text with my tongue
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
