you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
