I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He has the fingertips of a God
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
