Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
