She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
