i wish my penis had a tongue
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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