Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
