My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Randomize
