I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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