there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
