you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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