im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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