Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
