I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
