member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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