Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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