I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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