my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
