I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
