I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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