u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
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