I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
