I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
