I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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