Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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