Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
