i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
