Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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