My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
