My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
