you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
