I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Semen is not good for contacts.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
