Im at strip club and am horny
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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