Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
