He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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