I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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