They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
