I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
