I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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