Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
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I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I deserve this hangover.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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