So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
